Fic: SGA: DWAD Ch.1

Taking a deep breath she files into the briefing room only to be met with four pairs of stareing eyes. She takes a deep breath and fins her seat at the head of the table,"Sorry I'm late....sorry," she says as she looks up and past the confused senior staff to the group of soldiers and scientists standing at the foot of the table.

"Alright with me because by the looks of it you don't look too good, Elizabeth," comes the voice of her second in command, Lt Col John Sheppard.

"Thanks John, I never knew you cared, but I'll be fine," she snaps, though she slept she feels the overbearing weight of exhaustion,"So whats our mission today?"

Rodney stands and begins,"We, we found another ancient out post on a neighboring planet and I'd like it if we could, to go and explore it. I believe it could be some ancient watch tower," and so he says with a smile of excitement and pride.

"Great, fine take whoever and whatever you need," she stands and hurries for the door, through the pain.

She leaves them all with confused looks,"Man, I think someone needs to take to her," Ronon says looking around the table.

"I concure, Doctor Weir has been acting very distant and distracted the last few weeks," Teyla looks from Ronon to John.

"Well, I hope I'm not that person. I'm not one for comforting and what not," Rodney worriedly smirks.

"Right, cause all you're good at is making people feel less superior and small," John points out and stands,"I'll do it," he walks towards the door and pats Rodney on the shoulder as he's about to protest to his earlier remark.

~*~*~*~*~

Running to catch up with her,"Elizabeth!" and yet she doesn't seem to hear him.

Through the voices she hears someone calling her voice, please not you too! She's about to turn the corner but finds herself wide-eyed and in a familiar tight embrace. "John?" she quivers, wasn't I who embraced you last? Because you saved me from the agony of having to relieve your last minutes of life....why? she chokes holding back tears not just because she feels warm and welcome for once but because the voices quieted. He pulls away,"You looked like you needed a hug.....Elizabeth what's wrong?" he crosses his arms and shows a look of not so oftenl shown worry and concern for her.

"Nothing, I'm fine....just tired," she begins to walk away but he grabs her arm before she's out of reach.

"Elizabeth, I'm here if there's something you want to talk about," he gives her a look of reassuring solace letting go of her arm.

"I know," she says in in a tone he's never heard, so sad, "I'll keep that in mind," she smiles and walks away.

He looks after her and realizes something Carson should know. He whispers to himself still watching her,"Elizabeth, of all people, why you?" he looks down in heartache and walks away.

~*~*~*~*~

She returns to her quarters and this time the voices, the bodies, they gather and commemorate how much of a leader she was. The person who ordered them to their deaths. That's her punishment, to suffer their pains. She never thought she'd ever resort to this but she has, she reachs her bedside and shamefully finds her way to the small syringe pulsingly lying within her small night stand drawer. When that needle injects her with the welcoming coolness that rushes through her system, she calapses into a relief onto her bed. It slowly warms every inch of her dying body, and the dying voices, and she finds herself lying in the darkness of her very own infinite prison. This prison only becomes her Eden when He decides to come to her. He'll come and hold her close, so close that she can hear his heart beat, feel it. And in a single beat its as if her very heart has remembered itself. Remembered how to beat, how to love. Then they beat as one. But always with the hours comes the voices and then he fades and she forever more is lost in a dream within a dream that has lost all meaning. As if chained down this time her duties as leader don't seem to matter so much anymore and she remains chained there. Chained to the weight of guilt and shame, and the voices hold the key. Soaked in tears and sorrow that drown her, why won't he come for me? Come back...back to me....and she falls into a deep limitless sleep. With the numerous bodies and the hideous manicle laughter they leave behind as they follow back into her mind.